Why did I make this particular response to this client’s remark?
What was behind it?
What was I reacting to?
What was I trying to convey?
Why did I ask that question?
Was it really asked for purposes related to helping the client?
Was I merely being curious?
Was I really being judgmental by asking that question?
Why did I feel compelled at this point to give advice?
Was it because I felt that the client expected me to have all the answers?
AM I A GOOD LISTENER? YES or NO
If I were a listener would I listen to myself?
Do I recognize when I may be intimidating listeners through threatening behavior?
Do I understand that I not only have the right to influence others but they also have the right to influence me?
Can I tell when there is hostile, emotionally charged atmosphere?
Do I know my biases and prejudices so that they do not unduly filter out certain messages?
Do I understand that people speak through a myriad of non-verbal ways and that I must hear that communication too?
Do I consider the person involved as well as the situation?
Do I understand that I am learning little when I am talking?
Do I understand that when a person feels he is being understood, he tends to be less aggressive and less defensive?
Do I try not to over respond to emotionally charged words?
When I disagree with something or find something exciting, do I take pains to listen carefully?
If I am having trouble being understood, do I understand that the burden is on me to try to understand the other person?
Do I listen for what is NOT being said?
Do I look as if I am listening?
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude to me is more important than facts.
It is more important than the past.
More important than education, money, circumstances, failures, successes, than what other people think or say or do.
It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.
It will make or break a company, a church, or a home.
The remarkable thing is we have choice every day regarding the attitude w we will embrace for that day.
We cannot change the fact that people will actin a certain way.
We cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it and so it is with you
We are in charge of our attitudes.
When I ask you to listen to you and me start giving advice
You have not done what I asked you to do
When I ask you to listen to me and you tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way
You are trampling on my feelings
When I ask you to listen to you and me feel you have to do something to solve the problem
You have failed me strange as that may seem
LISTEN all I asked was that you listen; not to talk or do
Just hear me
Advice is cheap
25 cents will get you dear abbey in a newspaper
And I can do for myself; I am not helpless
But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel no matter how irrational, it may seem easier for me to quit trying to convince you and I can get about the business of understanding what’s behind this seemingly irrational feeling.
And when that is clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice
Feelings make sense and are respectable when we understand what is behind them
Perhaps why prayer works, sometimes for some people
Is because God is mute and doesn’t give advice or try to fix things
Those who care enough to just hear me. And if you want to talk wait a minute
For your turn and I will listen to you.
OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS
What does that feel like?
Can you tell me more about…?
How are you feeling right now?
Where would you like to begin
Would you like to talk about…?
How do you feel now about…?
How would you like things to be?
Can you tell me what that means to you?
What do you imagine…?
What have you thought of…?
What would it be like…?
How do you see things changing?
What would you like to do about…?
What can you think of?
What’s important to you?
What possible solutions would you suggest?
Would you agree with…why? Why not?
What are some possible explanations as to why?
Give your undivided attention
Let the person set the pace-don’t push faster or further than the person wants to go
Don’t feel that you have to solve the problem –the best solutions can only come from the person
You are there to help the person gain self understanding
Listen to what the person is saying and how its being said
Watch for non-verbal clues to the persons feelings. Use your eyes as well as your ears for listening.
Be aware of the content and the feeling s in what the person is saying
Reply – use words to describe the content and feelings. Respond to all you hear and nothing more,
Be honest –let the person know if you lose them or don’t understand something they say
Keep focused on listening
QUOTE EDWARD HALE
I am only one
But still I am one
I cannot do everything
But still I can do something
And because I cant do everything
I will not refuse to do
The something that I can do
The courage to speak must be matched by the wisdom to listen